theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
