I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
