Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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