I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
