Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
