If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
