Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
