I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
