Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
