Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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