I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You did what with his pubic hair?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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