I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
