i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
