Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
