I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
