dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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