I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
