She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
