I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
