i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
