i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
