I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
