i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Ladies don't puke and tell
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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