Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
