I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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