My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
