Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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