Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
