totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
i now understand why vodka
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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