I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he fucked my hip out of place.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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