I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Sacagawea was the original milf.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
