I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
