He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
