you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
