just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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