True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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