I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
