Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
She said her name was "party"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
