dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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