I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
