i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
