she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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