Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
