This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
