so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
