My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
