Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
