The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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