Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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