why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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