You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
