You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
