did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize