The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
