Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
All the doctor said was why
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
