Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
