Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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