i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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