i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
