Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think I just sharted jello shots
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