Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
