At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
