Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
