You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
