I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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