Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
